How to Support Victims of Religious Trauma
What is Religious Trauma?
Basically, someone dealing with religious trauma is someone who was abused by a church, congregation, or an authority figure claiming to act on God's behalf. It's surprisingly easy for people to take a religion like Christianity and turn it into a weapon or the basis of a cult, and the amount of damage that's being done in Christ's name borders on the unforgivable.
Now, I'd wager that many, if not most, Christians are unaware of these problems. Even though there's a chance that you've run across the odd militant athest online, this isn't the sort of thing people will casually talk about. Many victims of religious trauma are extremely guarded, and won't talk about their experiences with just anyone. In fact, if you're the sort of person who openly advertises your Christian Faith, you're probably the sort of person they'll get silent around.
Put bluntly, many abuse surivors have learned that silence means survival, and this allows the really bad stuff to remain hidden.
Now, I'd wager that many, if not most, Christians are unaware of these problems. Even though there's a chance that you've run across the odd militant athest online, this isn't the sort of thing people will casually talk about. Many victims of religious trauma are extremely guarded, and won't talk about their experiences with just anyone. In fact, if you're the sort of person who openly advertises your Christian Faith, you're probably the sort of person they'll get silent around.
Put bluntly, many abuse surivors have learned that silence means survival, and this allows the really bad stuff to remain hidden.
How can Christianity be abusive?
At first glance, Christianity might not seem like something that could result in traumatic experiences. Stories from the Bible are regularly used as children's entertainment, and lots of Christians find peace through their devotions, studies, and prayers. How can the Good News be so harmful to so many people?
Unfortunately, as the following examples show, it's not that difficult for things to go wrong. One of these examples comes from my own experiences with a Christian-like cult, and the other two examples are based on things I've seen talked about in ex-Cult and ex-Christian groups I sometimes participate in online.
Unfortunately, as the following examples show, it's not that difficult for things to go wrong. One of these examples comes from my own experiences with a Christian-like cult, and the other two examples are based on things I've seen talked about in ex-Cult and ex-Christian groups I sometimes participate in online.
Example 1: Wives, submit to your husbands - OR ELSE!
One of the most commonly misused passages in the Bible is Ephesians 5:22-30. These verses explain that a wife needs to humbly submit to her husband, while the husband is to cherish his wife with a love so great that he would give up his own life if doing so would protect hers.
However, it's alarmingly commonplace for people to ignore what verses 25-30 say about the husband's responsibilies. When people do this, they often focus only on the wife being submissive - sometimes even to the point where she is encouraged be view herself as little more than property.
I've personally seen this one in action. A few years ago, a married couple from the church I was attending visited me, and we talked about this and that as friends do. But, whenever the husband was present, his wife would fall silent, look at the floor or otherwise shrink into herself. It's rather terrifying to think that this was not only normal behavior for them, but something "our" church taught and encouraged.
However, it's alarmingly commonplace for people to ignore what verses 25-30 say about the husband's responsibilies. When people do this, they often focus only on the wife being submissive - sometimes even to the point where she is encouraged be view herself as little more than property.
I've personally seen this one in action. A few years ago, a married couple from the church I was attending visited me, and we talked about this and that as friends do. But, whenever the husband was present, his wife would fall silent, look at the floor or otherwise shrink into herself. It's rather terrifying to think that this was not only normal behavior for them, but something "our" church taught and encouraged.
Example 2: Excessive fears about the End
Although the Bible teaches that the world as we know it will someday come to an end, the majority of Christians don't really think about it very much. The End will come when it comes, and since there's plenty of work to be done in the meantime, why dwell on something we cannot control or change? But, there are churches out there that have made the coming of the End the centerpiece of their theology. This has led to many of them being labeled as "Doomsday cults" by outsiders, but since members of these congregations believe themselves to be Christians, that's the religion their children believe they are being taught, and that's the religion they'll blame for their traumas.
Dwelling too much on death and destruction isn't good for anyone's mental health, but there are several other ways these churches can affect people. Many of their members stockpile food or other supplies that they think might be needed during the Final Days. Some even keep bug-out bags
ready and within reach, as nobody knows when the End will come. In extreme cases, parents may force their family to spend a few nights a month sleeping outside as part of an "End of the World" drill.
Dwelling too much on death and destruction isn't good for anyone's mental health, but there are several other ways these churches can affect people. Many of their members stockpile food or other supplies that they think might be needed during the Final Days. Some even keep bug-out bags
ready and within reach, as nobody knows when the End will come. In extreme cases, parents may force their family to spend a few nights a month sleeping outside as part of an "End of the World" drill.
Example 3: God hates you
Christianity teaches that, since the Fall in the Garden of Eden, all of mankind has a natural tendency towards sinful behavior. At the same time, the Bible also teaches us that God has provided us with what we need to overcome our temptations and a way to be forgiven for the sins we have already comitted. This means that despite our failures, we can still hope to see the Paradise that God prepared for us!
Yet, not every church will teach this second part. Some only give it a small nod in the footnote of a lengthy sermon about the evils of sin. Leaving out the part about forgiveness (or drowning it out with too many lectures about sin) leads to people who believe God wants people to rot in Hell, and will look for any excuse to send someone there.
Christianity's primary Message is one of hope, and failing to teach people about forgiveness turns that hope into hopelessness.
Yet, not every church will teach this second part. Some only give it a small nod in the footnote of a lengthy sermon about the evils of sin. Leaving out the part about forgiveness (or drowning it out with too many lectures about sin) leads to people who believe God wants people to rot in Hell, and will look for any excuse to send someone there.
Christianity's primary Message is one of hope, and failing to teach people about forgiveness turns that hope into hopelessness.
What Christians can do
Allow them to leave the Faith
As Christians, we have a strong desire to bring others to God. But, when someone has been deeply hurt people who claimed to be acting in His Name, this is not terribly helpful. Since religious abuse often robs people of their right to have a say in their own affairs, letting them go is probably the best way to give them that agency back. They need to heal, and they may need to leave religion behind for a while to do that.
This can feel incredibly wrong, but we need to remember that God knows what He's doing. If we try to intervene, we risk choking out whatever seeds were planted in the victim's heart.
This can feel incredibly wrong, but we need to remember that God knows what He's doing. If we try to intervene, we risk choking out whatever seeds were planted in the victim's heart.
Listen to them
When people are hurting, they may turn to a friend to vent their feelings and deal with their pain. If you can, try to be that person. Importantly, don't correct their theology or provide answers to their theological questions unless they ask you to. Sometimes people just need to be heard by someone who cares enough to listen, and that person can always be you.
Provide a Safe Space
In the worst-case scenario, someone may need assistance getting away from an abusive church, just like they would need help getting away from an abusive spouse. Some of the more abusive groups (especially the ones that operate like cults) use underhanded tactics to keep members in line, including teaching that the world outside of their community is dangerous and hostile. Just by being a friend, you can prove them wrong and provide a way out.
What NOT to do
Don't evangelize
No matter how important you feel it is, victims of religious trauma don't need to hear your thoughts on theology. There is a time and place for that sort of thing, and this is not it. When they are ready to talk about God, they will let you know.
Don't offer another brand of Christianity
As mentioned above, a victim of religious trauma will likely need some time away from anything religious in order to recover from what's happened to them. Suggesting they try another church or denomination may sound like a good idea, but to many victims, it just comes across as a fancy way to say that you find it more important that they stay "in the group" than find peace.
Don't focus on defending God or His Church
When someone insults a friend or loved one, we naturally want to defend them. But, this is one situation where doing this will only make things worse. God isn't so weak that He needs us to defend Him, and He also knows when people are lashing out from the anger and pain they've had to keep inside. Being defensive and turning on someone who's been hurt will only hurt them more.
During this time, the best way to help is going to be through your actions, not your words. A possible exception would be when there's something you can agree with - as an example, it's probably okay to agree that what they've experienced was abnormal or unhealthy.
During this time, the best way to help is going to be through your actions, not your words. A possible exception would be when there's something you can agree with - as an example, it's probably okay to agree that what they've experienced was abnormal or unhealthy.
Don't excuse what happened
Obviously, only a horrible person would say that whatever happened to a trauma victim was a good thing. But, many of the things that well meaning people might want to tell someone who was a victim of religious abuse only come off as excuses. For example, pointing out that churches are full of imperfect people doesn't address what happened. Additionally, explaining that they were hurt by bad people, not God, just sounds like you care more about defending God than helping the victim.
Don't claim their abusers weren't Real Christians
Similar to the above point, claiming that the abusers weren't "real" Christians just looks like you're either avoiding the problem or excusing it. At the very least, it looks like you're invoking the No True Scotsman fallicy to distance yourself from other people.
But there's another problem with this response: it reflects some poor theology. If someone's sins could be enough to revoke our Christianhood, then we're saying Christ's sacrifice was not enough to Save us. That's a grave heresy in and of itself, and it's also a lie that many cults use to control their members. In fact, this might have been the same lie that led to your friend leaving their church.
But there's another problem with this response: it reflects some poor theology. If someone's sins could be enough to revoke our Christianhood, then we're saying Christ's sacrifice was not enough to Save us. That's a grave heresy in and of itself, and it's also a lie that many cults use to control their members. In fact, this might have been the same lie that led to your friend leaving their church.
Don't suggest the victim wasn't a Real Christian
Many branches of Christianity teach that it's impossible for a true Christian to leave the Faith. This makes sense, and it's even backed up by several Bible passages, but it becomes a problem when we confuse "the Faith" with "the church we attend".
When someone wants to leave a church they aren't comfortable with, people may start slinging accusations around. These include remarks that they were never a Christian to begin with, that they didn't try hard enough to be a good Christian, that they lacked Faith, or that they loved their sinful lifestyle too much to follow Christ.
These remarks are incredibly insulting under normal circumstances, but victims of religious abuse have often had to struggle with their faith for years before finally deciding to leave, and more often than not, by making this choice, they've been disowned by their family and friends. Leaving an abusive church is never an easy thing, and telling the victim that they didn't try "hard enough" is just a fancy way of saying the victim was the problem.
When someone wants to leave a church they aren't comfortable with, people may start slinging accusations around. These include remarks that they were never a Christian to begin with, that they didn't try hard enough to be a good Christian, that they lacked Faith, or that they loved their sinful lifestyle too much to follow Christ.
These remarks are incredibly insulting under normal circumstances, but victims of religious abuse have often had to struggle with their faith for years before finally deciding to leave, and more often than not, by making this choice, they've been disowned by their family and friends. Leaving an abusive church is never an easy thing, and telling the victim that they didn't try "hard enough" is just a fancy way of saying the victim was the problem.